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Apr. 15th, 2008

Self-loathing

No, this entry is not a complete hacking of my own personality or any despised physical attributions I may possess, it is about the fact I lose EVERYTHING!!! My key... I have lost twice in the space of 5 weeks. Another £25 on a key... it is ridiculous. I do not have the money to keep paying for my own stupidity. Why did I not attach something VERY large, luminous and sharp to it or something so that I would know EXACTLY where it was?! The thing that frustrates me the most is the fact that I could have sworn I put it in one of my "safe places". Yet, was that my phone and charger. I have absolutely no recollection. It could be in the lowly gutters for all I know, clearly where I should take up residence for my shite way of looking after things................................................................................................................................................................................................................... I have almost started laughing at myself... I am so ridiculous... live in the gutters?! Calm down!!! I know it is only money and just a key, but it is just the fact that the family always reckon I have absolutely no common sense of how to look after things. For ONCE I want to prove them wrong. Having said that, I clearly need to take a chill pill. At the same time, my anger keeps rising in waves. If I pay more money and then find the one I lost... well, then I will have to announce myself as incapable of being in possession of anything. Maybe own 2 things; this computer... and... hmm... interesting... I dunno... Maybe the bank card. How materialistic does that make me sound though? For someone intent on living in an amish kind of way, I do very little to prove I could live so. I should say... I would keep a book, a classic, maybe War and Peace, one of the great literary challenges. As well as a photo or something sentimental. I would say a pen, but then I would have to have paper. Again, I know I have writing aspirations, but still, what is life without a memory of your loved ones. Then again your memories always lie within you anyway, so really, I would not need a photo. If I was clever enough I could take War and Peace, something sentimental (maybe in the form of a pen... ooo, now you are thinking) AND have paper... I could read, then as I read, figure a way to wash of the stains with salt water, if I was on some sort of lonesome island and then write with that. Then again, wouldn't that be like pissing on literary tradition, erasing Tolstoy's epic?

I have clearly gone too far. Whoever reads this, forgive my rant :)

Blimey I feel better now.

Apr. 14th, 2008

Anger

I woke up angry at the world. I just don't understand anything in it anymore. People are at constant wars with each other... personally and as countries. I don't know why we have to find differences. Can't we just find "common interests" like in the Reagan era and strive towards some sort of reconciliation before the world does in fact break into a billion pieces? We all spend our lives just trying to get one up on someone else or remaining bitter about the past; I am no different and that is what annoys me the most. I am a hypocrite, standing on the sidelines of my own defense. What am I doing about it?! Nothing... I want to write to the government, but I don't know enough to say anything of substance, and yet I still sit here, on the internet doing nothing to further ay cases I have put forth in my own head. I don't learn more. I just cannot seem to even understand my own laziness, so really I have absolutely no right to complain about the world's lazy nature. Everything just seems so unjust. Bad things happening to good people. Yet I still want to believe in something, and I do, but I have not managed to find out what that is yet. In my own words... I am stumped. I love the atmosphere of a church. That overpowering sense of a decreasing epistemic distance. Ever closer to summon bonum. There is something that I love about it... Maybe it is the fact that something is there but the thrill is that you have no idea what the presence is. I dunno... It is like something is sucked into me, but at the same time, I feel a huge weight lifted just by being there, I can exhale and feel... I want to say purer. The point really, is that I wish people would find something to believe in together... I wish that was humanity. We all need to save ourselves and stop self-destructing.

Writer's Block: Dream Job

What's keeping you from your dream job?
I don't feel I have the talent to do my dream job, let alone have the ideas to succeed or the imagination to dream in a way people would want to hear. I want to be a writer. I want to be amidst the beauty of the natural world, live in Canada on the waterfront where I can go fishing, sail, sit and read. My dream is to have a log cabin with a real fireplace, where I have a real log wood fire. My dream is to live somewhere that I can smell the purity of the air, the dew of the grass, the scent of the flowers 100m away. However, these are merely my ideals. A dream which I hope to have, but in reality, I would need a visa, leave my family, support myself on the dream job. So, the dreams have to be set aside so that reality can pave the way to a life which is more reasonable to obtain. How I wish it wasn't so.

Apr. 13th, 2008

(no subject)

I have got lost in words and lyrics today. Rock has been the genre of choice today. I want to read... I cannot seem to bring myself to it. I want to write short stories but I have not the talent to do so coherently. I dream of writing a script. My nightmares as a child would come in handy.

I saw everyone walking the same path as me the other day. I became jealous and bitter at having moved. My life would have been saved many mistakes. The greatest so far. A mistake maybe not, but indeed save the pain.

I cannot wait until June to just start in a job and saving money to runaway to the place of beauty. Well, not a runaway, but it feels like I could escape from something. Lately I cannot work. I don't know why...

I am also wondering the great questions in life; will I ever find love. These things just seem to evade my grasp. I keep looking out at the window thinking, do I even want it right now. I am in such a place in my life right now where I need to concentrate on myself.

Apr. 11th, 2008

(no subject)

I have nothing much to say lately aside from in poems.

All I will say, is why do I care anymore?! It is because everything is so confused. I will still jump through fucking hoops. It is because hope is there for something of friendship yet in reality we know we will be far away forever now.

I DON'T CARE!!!

Apr. 5th, 2008

Today

Ok, today I have spoken about Bagels, so I wonder what will take my fancy next.  The sure thing is that I seem to just want to write and write and write, yet I have so much revision to do, but I just don't want to do it quite yet.  I want to learn about writing.  I want to express myself and let go through words, not sit and learn right now, even though I love what I do.

I have succumbed to a bar of chocolate already today.  Not going well.  I don't know if I want to go back home quite yet.

I also want to meet my parents... I think.  Just see them, not even talk, but to watch them doing ordinary things.  See my siblings go to school.  I want to pass on experience.  I feel I want to guide them and say everything will be ok.

Apr. 4th, 2008

The day

Well, the only really big issue today was my tights!  Gosh I hate it when they get ladders.  In really inappropriate places too.  I need to lose some of the weight I have put on.  Fitness!  Come on, it is crucial.  I need money!!!  Argh... It is painful the finincaial situation.  I wonder if I did do the right thing when I turned the jobs down... I don't know.  Never mind.  Just float along :)

Apr. 3rd, 2008

Job search

I have managed to get 2 job offers yet I don't to do either.  I hope the interview goes well today, a bit annoying I have to ask for so much time off... hmm... Never mind, think positive.  Beeee happy and show the best of yourself. 

A good day just preparing stuff for work.  I can't believe the people would not let me take away the contract.  I don't really understand why they feel the need to pressure me.  I need a second opinion.  Bastards.  Ah well, better off without them I guess. 

Loving music at the moment.  In a bit of a happy music mode, woohoo.  I can't believe how much music I want to buy though... I am no doubt going to be bankrupt by the time uni comes back around.  I finally picked up a history book earlier today... pheww... I hope I start to revise now.  I don't seem to be all that worried about the exams though... That is worrying me ever so slightly though.  I mean, I REALLY care I pass and pass well, yet I cannot seem to bring myself to actually do some reading.

WORK WORK WORK!!! :D BE POSITIVE!

Should go to get ready for the interview now, but I feel I am having too much fun being creative!   Hehe!

Apr. 1st, 2008

(no subject)

I was watching Dawson's Creek today...  As I have thought the whole way through, it has so many answers and really touches on everything that I think is important in my life.  Love, happiness, kindness, friendship.  The song at the end will never leave me.  Say goodnight, not goodbye.  Do we ever really say goodbye to the ones we love or are they always a part of our hearts, forever an influence on our lives.  I I wish I could find the part of me that allows forgiveness more easily.  Life is a journey of tests.  I know that I should be the nicest person I can be, but sometimes it is hard.  We should tell the people we love that exact thing, every day.  Who knows when the chance will just pass you by. 

I am sitting in my room, just wanting to do that thing that I do, but I know it is not good for me.  Why am I sad?  I have most things I could have in my life, yet all I want to do is be sat on top of a mountain at this moment being showered in the rain from the clouds above.  When it rains I feel like the baggage of the day, of my life, is being washed away.  Rain brings life and so when it rains, I shut my eyes and feel hopeful for that day when everything will be ok.  The fresh clean air drifting across my face like a spirit of freedom.  This is why I find nature so beautiful.  I feel free in the hills.  I feel like it is me, my choices and nothing else.  When I look at natural beauty it makes me cry.  If the world is so beautiful, why can't everyone also be?  Why do people need to fight and destroy everything held dear to humanity?

Once again, these thoughts linger in my mind having never left. 

Memories, painful and not forgotten,
A rush of lightning racing to the back of my gaze.
The wish of a thousand dreams, altering what the eyes see from so long ago.
Silence from history, but screams from today,
A gate to open, escape from losing our way,
That which guides us set us free,
be nature, love, faith. or a star from He,
One day, the chains of a trapped happiness shall be released,
melancholy left behind, like the memory of our pain.
That day will come, so search and find, be owner of a bright mind,

Gift

 

It waits,

Intangible and a dream.

 

It moves,

As a river to the heart.

 

It stops,

Invades like a free wind over the soul.

 

It stays,

Gifting to those who possess.

 

It exists.

Or does it?

 

Be free… be wise… be .